Tuesday, November 8, 2011

On a non-magical roundabout

I hate it when blog posts are like a broken record and become repetative.

As a reader, I like new information and insights, fresh ideas, further reflection, and a bit of narrative development.  To hear what comes off as being the "same ol', same ol'" turns me off.  I'd rather just not read it and imagine something is developing rather than hear the same ol' crap is going on.

Therefore I find myself in a dilemma.

It is for this reason that I have not been posting regularly on my blog since I completed my dissertation.  Since this blog is billed as one that is documenting my journey in seeking to "lose half my weight," if that journey is on a bit of a hiatus at the moment, it stands to reason that what would get posted would be the same ol' crap I've already shared.

I've gained.  I'm awaiting my Ph.D defense.  I feel lost.  I'm not sure how to get my focus back.

Yadda.  Yadda.  Yadda.

Obviously, if someone else were saying this to me, I'd encourage them to shift their paradigm a bit, look at what else could be considered, written about, reflected upon, and explored in order to get one's mojo back.  If someone else were telling me that all they had to say was the same ol' crap, then I'd say they needed some new lenses with which to see the world.

But it's not someone else.

It's me.

And when I think of all those lenses out there I could be using, I just want to curl upon the couch with a cup of tea and the latest episode in my discovery of The Wire, and wait for the internal demands I'm placing upon myself to quieten.

Abstract Crossroads (2009)
DragonArtz Designs
It's obvious that I'm at a crossroads in my life right now.  But rather than it being a straight-forward 4-way, it feels more like a big, jumbled, confusing, scary mess.  That's why I'm having a difficult time communicating it here without sounding like I'm going in circles on a roundabout of the non-magical variety.

And since I tend to exhibit a *tiny* bit of road rage when I drive, I imagine my lost self as one of those annoying people who sit at an intersection trying to figure out which way they want to go, causing me (the part of me who just wants me to figure it out already) to miss the light and sit in traffic longer than I had planned.

Gentle, lost Jayme says:
Take your time, hon.  You're grieving the end of this all-consuming process you've been a part of for 4 years.  What you're feeling is natural.  What you need to do and how you should do it will come to you.  Whatever you need will eventually bubble up to the surface and you'll figure it out.  Don't rush it.
Impatient, road rage Jayme says:
C'mon!!  What is your problem??  You've turned that damn thing in almost 6 weeks ago!  Life goes on.  Get over it.  Hurry up! I've got places to be and expectations to meet!  *HONK HONK*
Fun, eh?

And then I read a post today from Jane Taggart on BlogHer about intimacy and the cost of blogging, asking if bloggers have an obligation to their readers to regularly post and keep everyone who follows you updated on what is happening.  She asks a really great question:
Do we, as bloggers, have any obligation to our Lovely Readers? What happens when life or writer's block or boredom gets in the way and we suddenly find ourselves unable to produce any kind of publishable content? Do we owe readers an explanation? Would we give a dear friend an explanation if we were getting ready to plunge into the depths of the no-contact abyss for months at a time? Is it the same thing? ...

... We think we're out here, blogging, for ourselves. But! The moment we advertise ourselves and gain a following...whether that following is 10, 100, or 100,000+...we owe something to our readers. Something tremendous. Something well beyond ourselves.

In my effort to be authentic, my readers have always had my guarantee that I will always write about where I am in my journey.  If, for now, my journey has been delayed at a rest stop along a deserted highway, do you still want to know about it? I wonder, my dear readers, what part of my story these days you want to hear about?

Eventually, I will get back into losing weight (sooner rather than later, hopefully), but in the meantime, I do not want to bore you with the same old posts, trying to will myself to do something I'm obviously not yet ready to do.  (Yet, I'll admit that to me they're boring but you may very well say they aren't....maybe it's just because I think about it so much more than I write about it).

Maybe if I have some ideas, I can try to meet them and somehow find my way back in the process.

One must always hope.

7 comments:

  1. Jayme,
    First of all, about the blogging: When I first started blogging, I thought I had to write something (something profound and meaningful, at that) every day, and if I missed a day I thought I owed my "audience" (whoever they were) an explanation and an apology. I began putting more and more pressure on myself in the name of people I not only didn't know, I didn't know for sure whether they existed. (Over time I developed friendships with a few of my readers, and I know they never would have put that pressure on me themselves. It was all my doing.) Eventually my life got busier (especially as my kids grew bigger!) and I no longer had the time to write every day, much less the mental capacity to be "profound" every day, so I decided to quit blogging altogether. I didn't start my new blog until over a year later, and I approached it completely differently. I wanted to focus more on my spiritual life than on my practical life (not that those aren't interconnected, but I think you know what I mean). I wanted to write with the hopes of being helpful, thought-provoking, comforting, and inspiring rather than entertaining. I do aim to publish a post at least once a week, but if that doesn't happen then it doesn't happen. I love and deeply appreciate any readers I may get, so I'm not going to give them drivel (I hope) - but I'm also not going to give them my sanity. They would not ask it of me, anyway.

    If I may offer a suggestion: you could post a photo of your weigh-in without offering a full explanation each time. That way you hold yourself accountable, keep us all honestly informed of your journey, but don't feel like you're writing the same words over and over.

    Now, to gentle Jayme vs. road-rage Jayme: I so feel ya there. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that we need both of them, kind of like mini cartoons of ourselves sitting on each shoulder, one to keep us from being too hard on ourselves and one to keep us from slacking our lives away. If you figure out how to live with both in balance, let me know. ;)

    I have always admired you, Jayme. You are an inspiration in so many ways. Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts. :)

    - julie

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your blog is about you & you should blog about that. I started blogging about random stuff and then it became more focused on weight loss. I post to keep myself accountable.

    It's also important to be out living life than worrying about blogging about it. While I appreciate you wondering what we as readers want to see, I think what's most important is to do what you are comfortable & happy with.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I used to feel like I had to post something every day and it had to be enlightening, informative, and profound. I have gone the longest I think I ever have without posting something here lately. I figure if I don't have something worth saying at the moment, it's better to wait until I get some inspiration rather than posting drivel. I just purged my list of blogs I follow because some of them just don't do anything for me. I am like you - I want to learn something, gain some insights, identify with the blogger in some way. You might just touch base every now and then because I also purge people who don't post much and I don't want to miss your sparkling, eloquent, and kick-butt posts when they start up again. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've been doing the same thing lately. My weight loss has stalled, and I dread posting "yup, another week of gaining/losing the same 2 pounds" - it's just exhausting, to tell the truth. When I feel comfortable with losing again, I'll get back to posting more regularly - it's what I know works for me.

    I totally agree with Marisol - blog about you. Health is beyond the scales - if you'd like, tell us about the feelings of the completed dissertation, the ex pat life ... we're just happy to hear about the goings on in your world!

    ReplyDelete
  5. This really hit home for me. I've recently had surgery and as a result have not exercised and have been struggling with depression (not sure if it's related or not). I've hardly posted on my blog, because what am I going to say? Still recovering...still not exercising...still depressed. Who wants to read that? Well, as a reader I would encourage the person but as a blogger I just feel like nobody wants to hear my tales of woe. Hang in there. Love your blog :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. The reasons you cited are the reasons why I gave up blogging. I was pressuring myself too much . I still love the idea of blogging, but I feel as though i need a plan.
    You should blog when YOU want to, not for anyone else. You should blog when you feel moved by something/someone/some place. Don't feel pressured. You are a super intelligent women. Don't second guess what feels right to you! Many hugs to you!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think it's important to share the ups and the downs if you have a blog. The journey to lose weight is a hard one and it won't always result in a weekly loss. I think everyone goes through that.

    ReplyDelete