|Weigh-in no. 45 (-0.6)|
Starting weight: 327.0
Last week : 270.6
This week: 270.0
Loss of - 0.6
Total Loss - 57.0 lbs
I'll take it.
This week has been a bit blah for me, so a loss is welcomed. Everything sort of culminated this week in my mind - the weight of my dissertation, the weight of the f*%cked-up-ness of this place I live in called Northern Ireland, the weight of my attacks of self-doubt that I'll actually pass and get those three letters after my name and a decent job after all this work, my actual weight and inability to focus on it right now....
So I've been a bit down this week.
But things are coasting slowly back up. I've made some decisions regarding my research and what I need to do to get it done, I've tried to note where my doubt is rational and irrational and act accordingly, and have reminded myself who I am, where I want to be, what kind of life I want and what it'll take to get there.
I'm aware that this period in my life is a transition time as I know I am finishing up one big thing to eventually move into something new. Those times in life (and I've had my fair share) have always been hard for me. You'd think I'd deal with change well after all the moving and re-starting somewhere new that I've done in my 35 years...but the unknown and insecurity about what the future holds always weighs on my mind when transition is imminent.
And the fact that I'm not self-destructing by gaining a lot of my weight back in all of this is pretty amazing, really.
Note to self: Take heart. Have courage. You've learned a lot in the last few months. You're human and you'll continue to make mistakes, but look at all you've done with your life thus far. You're gonna get through this, and it'll be fine. Your mantra has always been "Somehow, it always gets done and things work themselves out." No reason to stop saying or believing that now.
One of my favorite poets is Lucille Clifton and I am reminded of a few lines from my favorite poem of hers, called "song at midnight," on these days:
won't you celebrate with mewhat I have shaped intoa kind of life? i had no model.born in babylonboth nonwhite and womanwhat did i see to be except myself?i made it uphere on this bridge betweenstarshine and claymy one hand holding tightmy other hand; come celebratewith me that everydaysomething has tried to kill meand has failed.
Lucille Clifton, "song at midnight," from her collection called Book of Light (Port Townsend, WA: Copper Canyon Press, 1992). Available on Amazon here.
And so I continue to move forward. One foot in front of the other. Without drama, but with determination. One page and one footnote at a time. Trying to asking no more of myself than to do the very best I can, knowing that it will not (and should not) be perfect.