Sunday, July 17, 2011

Weigh-in no. 45: between starshine and clay

Weigh-in no. 45 (-0.6)

Starting weight:   327.0
Last week   :        270.6
This week:           270.0    
Loss of                -   0.6
Total Loss          -  57.0 lbs

I'll take it. 

This week has been a bit blah for me, so a loss is welcomed.  Everything sort of culminated this week in my mind - the weight of my dissertation, the weight of the f*%cked-up-ness of this place I live in called Northern Ireland, the weight of my attacks of self-doubt that I'll actually pass and get those three letters after my name and a decent job after all this work, my actual weight and inability to focus on it right now....

So I've been a bit down this week.

But things are coasting slowly back up.  I've made some decisions regarding my research and what I need to do to get it done, I've tried to note where my doubt is rational and irrational and act accordingly, and have reminded myself who I am, where I want to be, what kind of life I want and what it'll take to get there.

I'm aware that this period in my life is a transition time as I know I am finishing up one big thing to eventually move into something new.  Those times in life (and I've had my fair share) have always been hard for me.  You'd think I'd deal with change well after all the moving and re-starting somewhere new that I've done in my 35 years...but the unknown and insecurity about what the future holds always weighs on my mind when transition is imminent.  

And the fact that I'm not self-destructing by gaining a lot of my weight back in all of this is pretty amazing, really.

Note to self:  Take heart.  Have courage.  You've learned a lot in the last few months.  You're human and you'll continue to make mistakes, but look at all you've done with your life thus far.  You're gonna get through this, and it'll be fine.  Your mantra has always been "Somehow, it always gets done and things work themselves out."  No reason to stop saying or believing that now.

One of my favorite poets is Lucille Clifton and I am reminded of a few lines from my favorite poem of hers, called "song at midnight," on these days:
won't you celebrate with me
what I have shaped into 
a kind of life?  i had no model.
born in babylon
both nonwhite and woman
what did i see to be except myself?
i made it up
here on this bridge between
starshine and clay
my one hand holding tight
my other hand; come celebrate
with me that everyday
something has tried to kill me
and has failed.
Lucille Clifton, "song at midnight," from her collection called Book of Light (Port Townsend, WA: Copper Canyon Press, 1992)Available on Amazon here.

And so I continue to move forward.  One foot in front of the other.  Without drama, but with determination.  One page and one footnote at a time.  Trying to asking no more of myself than to do the very best I can, knowing that it will not (and should not) be perfect.


  1. 50 plus pounds is a huge accomplishment. That's a whole 5-year old person!

  2. I see the .6 and I think, well done, still loosing in this time of stress and then I look at the number 57 and I go WOW - THIS IS AMAZING (This is me shouting). My sense of what has supported you in this incredible loss is something that was kind of new to you - gentleness towards your self. That is one of the primary things I am learning from your work Jayme, be gentle not indulgent, soft not spoiling. This is a particularly difficult time and your comment about change is interesting as I think that is when all the old patterns and insecurities surface but you are holding it together girl. Really proud of you!

  3. Great job on the loss - as for school stuff ... keep your chin up! ♥ This, too, shall pass.

  4. COngrats on the loss and I love the note to yourself. No matter what happens, at the end of the day you are worth it.

  5. Congratulations, not only on your weight loss so far, but in stepping up to the plate (in more ways than one) and taking control of your life! I am so excited for you, you can not imagine. I have lost 189.5 lbs so far. I can relate a LOT to each and every sentence you share with us! I am SO proud of you!!!! Never look back, stay the course.