Sisyphus© Matthew Felix Sun
Oil on Canvas
48" x 24"
Completed in 2003
Overall, I'm still losing, for which I am very thankful. I weigh less than I did in mid-February. But damn if it hasn't felt like an uphill struggle.
Until January, I have to say that on the whole, this losing weight business wasn't very difficult. Sure I had a couple hiccups, but nothing major. I remember being surprised at how easy it was, to be honest.
But now? Now, it's difficult. Now, I feel like every pound I lose is a battle. Some weeks I win, other weeks I lose. Some weeks I'm able to feel pretty good about what I've done (despite a gain), other weeks even a loss seems like a failure.
For the past three weeks, my eating has been a constant struggle. I'm seriously trying to resist the urge to eat stuff in amounts that I haven't eaten since I started this journey. Temptation is at every turn and the desire to not just indulge but overeat is strong. WTF?
To be fair though, these have been extraordinary weeks as well. My schedule has been chaotic, my activities not my normal routine, and emotions have been up and down. But still....
I looked back through the blog to see if I could pinpoint a change and I wrote this on 13 February:
The changes in my diet are sustainable and something I can easily do for the rest of my life. There's been nothing drastic and nothing is off limits, but I find that I don't enjoy overeating anymore. The misery of being too full isn't worth it. I find that I crave fruit and vegetables (which I never thought I would). I could easily choose to eat a big bowl of sauteed zucchini/courgette over a plate of greasy pasta any day. My portion sizes are smaller and I find quite a bit of satisfaction in recognizing when I'm full and able to push my plate away. And I don't even count calories or keep a food log but just eat intuitively, with awareness in the back of my mind of what my per day caloric intake should be.Where did that person go? And in the space of about 8 weeks no less? To be fair though, I still don't enjoy overeating....but that doesn't seem to stop me or curb the desire to overeat. Why is that? I have a few theories, but nothing that seems to pinpoint it exactly where my mind says, "Yep. That's it. You've hit the nail on the head."
I started back on depression medication back in January, and after a month I went for a refill and to consult with the doctor about dosage and some side-effects (namely complete loss of libido, which I know is common) that I was experiencing. He suggested I taper down, to take only half the already small dosage I was on. In the end, I stopped taking it altogether after a couple weeks of weaning off because the doctor had also basically implied that so little a dosage indicated that I was finding results more out of a placebo effect rather than the actual medication. Nice. Since that made me feel like a bit of a hypochondriac, I stopped taking it. And when did I stop completely? About the end of February. Hmmm.....
|via Stephen.D.Hammond. on Flickr|
Am I self-sabotaging as I approach
the 50 lb lost mark?
I don't think so, but we all know how the subconscious works and at this stage, I'm willing to concede that anything may be possible.
I'd like to think that I'm pretty self-aware, but this journey has taught me that there are things about which I have huge blindspots and just can't see very well on my own. I knew at some point seeing a professional would be necessary, but given the cost involved, I wanted to hold off as long as I could. Maybe the time has come. So I'm going to start looking around and see if there's anyone in the Belfast-area who specializes in overeating and obesity-related counseling. Will let you know what I find, or if anyone has any recommendations, email me.
And then, I say to myself:
When you hear hooves pounding, don't suspect zebras.
Is there anything else going on diet-wise that could be contributing to this?
And so I wonder if I'm not getting enough protein and that's why I've been feeling like I've been starving for the last 3 weeks (I started the pescatarian adventure on 9 March). I thought I had done pretty well at replacing meat-based proteins for eggs, fish and nuts, but maybe I haven't. Since I haven't been counting the protein (shame on me), that could very well be the case. I may need to go get some protein shake mix and supplement my diet for a while. And be more diligent about taking my vitamins.
So, my plan of action (because I'm tired of this crap):
- Get a protein supplement and take my vitamins every day for this coming week and see if my appetite and control over food is any better
- Research a counselor and see what options are available to me here and the cost involved
- If I don't see any improvement from the protein supplement and vitamins, then I'll seriously consider going back to medication, but I want to exhaust all other possibilities first.
Have you ever struggled with something like this?
What did you do to overcome it?