Well, I should correct myself. Monday and Tuesday, I was fine. Going about my business, getting stuff done, just fine. But I started feeling myself going downhill on Wednesday - and I can't really say that I've fully recovered yet, although last night (Thanksgiving dinner) was nice.
"What's up?" you may ask.
Hell if I know.
Remember those posts a few weeks back where I talked about being in a funk? Yeah. It's back. With a vengence. But the strange thing is that my eating hasn't been out of control like the previous times. I've been eating fine, if not better.
Yet somehow, I convinced myself this week that I wasn't going to lose anything. That I'm never going to finish my Ph.D. That I'll never find a job when I'm finished. Poor me. Everything sucks. I suck.
What in the world??!! I didn't realize just how much I spiralled into this whirlwind of self-doubt until I caught myself on Friday thinking - somewhat seriously, I should add - about quitting this whole losing weight business. And as soon as I realized what was going on (which I have to say was after a few minutes), I mentally pulled the reins and said, "WHOA!!!"
Of course, I had to start picking it apart: Why do I feel this way? Why did such a thought enter my mind? What's going on that I suddenly start doubting myself so strongly?
I still don't know for certain, to be completely honest. I have thought about it and tried to figure it out, but I just can't diagnose it. Some options are:
- The lack of daylight: the dark days get to me here. I already know that. I've been saying I was going to get a SAD light ever since I moved to Northern Ireland and I still haven't done it. (mental note: Time to finally do what you've been saying for the last 4 years!)
- I think I have inherited my mother's propensity for sinus headaches, related to drops in air pressure, so when the weather is bad (which can be most of the winter here! yippee), my head really hurts and pretty much zaps me of any energy and good will. They've gotten worse as I've gotten older - my forehead hurts, my eyes hurt, my teeth hurt, my cheek bones hurt, it hurts for my glasses to be on my nose. Sad times. And I've had a pretty consistent headache since Wednesday.
- I started up on Twitter and am following lots of other weight loss bloggers (which is cool), but I found myself getting frustrated and a little overwhelmed by many of the posts, checking in with details about what they ate, how many miles they ran, asking each other how they're going to keep healthy over the holidays, etc. It made me wonder: Is this all they're about or am I doing this wrong? Should I be consumed with how many calories I ate today or whether or not I can have pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving? I don't think so. But it made me wonder if I am just a poser or if I'm really dedicated to this whole thing.
- I had two applications that needed to get done this week, on top of everything else. One was for a research fellowship at Cambridge, which I'm sure there'll be tons of competition for and I'll be surprised if I get (but you have to start somewhere, eh?), and here I am saying to myself, "You're not a Cambridge scholar. You won't fit in there. You have no real publications, just stuff you've done for organizations. Some Cambridge scholar's going to come up to you and ask about Aquinas' take on the theology of transubstantiation or Hegelian ethics and you're not going to have a clue." That kind of stuff. And there's two more I'm looking at - another Cambridge one and one at Oxford - along with whatever other opportunities arise in the coming months. And I still think I'm not good enough.
So yesterday (Sunday), I decided to just try to ignore it and get on with things. I had friends who were coming over for Thanksgiving dinner (we decided to celebrate early to suit everyone's schedules) and so I had a full day of cooking to do, etc. I debated about weighing-in and decided to go ahead with it, but I was in no hurry as I was convinced that it wasn't going to say anything different - or it would show a gain - as had been the case earlier in the week. I had convinced myself I had failed. So I went upstairs after prepping the vegetables, dreading what was coming.
And here's what the scale said:
|Weigh-in no. 14 (-2.2)|
As Gomer Pyle would say, "Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!" I got off and got back on the scale 5 times. I didn't believe it. Never once did it put up a number that started with a 3.
I almost cried, but was still too shocked. I still didn't believe it, really....and to be honest, even now, I wouldn't be surprised if I go up there right now and weigh and it says like 305. Would it? No. But my state of mind is such that I expect the worst. So because of that, I haven't really celebrated. I haven't told anyone (you, my readers, are the first to know.....again, because I'm reluctant to believe it's true). I have no idea what's wrong with me.
But whatever. Weighing 5 times pretty much confirms it, I think. So here's the math:
Last week: 301.8This week: 299.6
Loss of - 2.2
Total Loss -27.4
As you can tell, I'm feeling distinctly unsentimental about saying goodbye to the 3s. Maybe I'll want to celebrate and do something meaningful in a few days when I'm out of this god-awful funk and accept the reality that I no longer weigh over 300 lbs. But for now, this is where I am.
Now I'm off to hunt for a SAD light......