I'm pretty much back to normal, but I have noticed that I still have a pretty short fuse and delight still takes a lot to get to. But the self-doubts have stopped; quitting hasn't been seriously thought about again; the sinus headaches have been mastered with drugs (mostly allergy meds to clear out the crud); and work on the dissertation has continued with some new books I've discovered and have enjoyed reading.
To be honest, I still don't know what it was. I'd say it was a combination of things, really. Pressure about the future, the weather getting me down, the internal work that comes along with this weight loss journey, physical ailment, etc. I don't think it was one big thing that I've been unable to identify. I don't think it was me trying to sabotage myself, although I heard a voice from my past (my Bosnia colleagues who read this will recognize it) suggesting that perhaps I was "deluding myself" and that perhaps I was "mired in self-deception." Whatever. Maybe it's true, but I usually know deep down when I'm trying to hide or convince myself of something, and I wasn't feeling it this time.
Regardless, I'll be on the lookout in the future. Through this journey, I'm finding that I'm delving even more into my personality, about who I am, about what makes me tick and what stresses me out (which inevitably leads to the downward spiral, I think). It'll continue to be a process of figuring out how to channel that knowledge into learning how to keep at bay or defeat these periods of negativity when they do arise.
One thing that helped this week was that in doing Week 3 of C25K, I realized that I can run for 3 minutes straight without stopping (at 4.8 mph no less!). As far as I can remember, that's the longest I've ever run in my life. And I know it's not much and that I will continue to break that record over the coming weeks, but it felt good all the same. It reminded me that I'm not a failure, that I have set out to do this thing that seemed impossible and I'm doing it....and that change comes in steps taken, either by walking or running but taken nonetheless.
And being out of the 3s is real. I've yet to celebrate. I had decided that I would clean out my closet, getting rid of everything that's too big for me now. I think it'll be meaningful and helpful, but it is still cleaning out a closet, so I have to psych myself up to consider it a celebration rather than a chore. :o) But hey, it's a good problem to have so I'm not complaining.
And without further ado, here is the reality:
|Weigh-in no. 15 (-0.8)|
Last week: 299.6This week: 298.8
Loss of - 0.8
Total Loss - 28.2
I still half-expected to see a 3 this week for some reason. The little self-doubting voice seeking affirmation that it was right was wrong. That little bit of triumph was needed this morning. .8 lbs isn't huge, but it takes me 1.2 lbs away from being back in the 3's, so I appreciate it. This week also included Thanksgiving, jaffa cake cookies at work, and some other less-than-stellar food choices. So there's no complaints here this week.
It's like Fit Jayme is saying, 'Right. It's confirmed. You're now in the 200s. Let's get on with it."
And so we shall.